It’s been said that men need
to have sex to feel loved while women need to feel loved to have
sex.
Based on my experience, I think
this statement is generally true. And it has been the source of
a lot of trouble among couples -- misunderstandings, hurt feelings,
arguments, the continuation of arguments, etc.
It’s also true that we tend
to give the very thing we ourselves want or need, assuming our
partners want the same thing. But they may not.
Men and women are different. Really!
We might as well be from two different planets, as the popular
book title suggests. We’re as opposite as it’s possible
to be. So, then, how on earth can a man and a woman expect to
get along, much less, live happily ever after? First we must recognize
the differences.
If you, a man, believe that your
wife, like you, needs to have sex in order to feel loved, you’ll
be more than happy to provide that commodity . . . in abundance.
The result, however, since your
wife is not like you, may be that she feels misunderstood, used,
and most of all, unloved. She may perceive that everything is
about sex, and declare, “You don’t care about me.
You’re just interested in sex, and I just happen to be available!”
If you, a woman, believe that your
husband, like you, needs romance (candlelight, soft music, flowers,
moonlight walks, random acts of thoughtfulness, caresses for their
own sake, etc.), in order to feel loved, you’ll be happy
to provide it. Surprisingly, since he is not like you, the outcome
may be that your husband feels teased, misled and confused. He
may say, “You act like you want to make love. You get me
all aroused, then you act insulted when I take the next step!”
Since his belief is that having
sex means you love him, if it is delayed, or if he perceives that
your actions were not intended to result in sex, he’ll feel
hurt, angry, and most of all, unloved.
In most marriages, immediately after
(or even during) a fight, the man wants to make love -- which
is the farthest thing from his wife’s mind. It goes something
like this:
“C’mon, honey, let’s
make love.”
“You’ve got to be out
of your mind! I don’t even like you at this moment. And
it’s obvious you don’t like me much either. And you
want to make love?! No way!”
“Huh? What’s that got
to do with anything?”
What’s happening here is merely
a demonstration of the opening statement: men need to have sex
to feel loved while women need to feel loved to have sex. He wants
to get back to feeling that she loves him . . . by having sex.
It makes perfect sense to him; it makes no sense to her at all.
She needs to already feel that he loves her . . . in order to
have sex. Before she’s ready to have sex, she needs for
everything to quiet down, for the argument to be resolved, and
for feelings and actions to move slowly toward lovemaking. She
needs reassurance that he loves her in order to feel secure enough
to have sex.
The bottom-line is that love is
your primary need. This is equally true of your spouse. The need
to love and be loved is your greatest commonality with one another
(and with every other person, for that matter). The difference
lies in how you go about getting that need met. Once you realize
how your secondary needs (sex for men, romance and tenderness
for women) may differ from your spouse’s, the solution is
simple.
Once you understand that you and
your spouse approach feeling loved from opposite directions, it’s
easy to figure out how to get there. First and foremost, there
must be the recognition that neither of you is wrong . . . just
different. And that those differences are probably not arbitrary
or willful.
You and your partner have very real
needs. You have spiritual needs, i.e., the need for love; and
you have physical needs: for food, drink, safe shelter and sex.
Both love and sex are transcendent
experiences, transcending the physical, the mundane, transporting
one into the realm of the spiritual.
When one loves intensely . . . when
one is in love, the feeling is heavenly, divine. When one is in
love, it’s easy to imagine how it feels to be in the loving
presence of God . . . how it feels to be in Spirit. It’s
a feeling of intense aliveness and joy. It’s a feeling of
lightheartedness and body-lightness -- of walking on air, flying,
soaring. It’s a feeling of being flooded with light; of
glowing, of radiance. It’s a feeling of happiness approaching
rapture. It’s a feeling of oneness. It’s not uncommon
for people in love to “read” each other’s thoughts
and feelings, even from thousands of miles away.
And when two people have sex they
become one. “Lovemaking” is a common euphemism for
having sex, but isn’t that exactly what happens? When two
people in love have sex, the above-mentioned feelings describing
Love are intensified, i.e., the experience of divine love. Sexual
gratification (climax, orgasm) is probably the most intense spiritual
experience available to most humans. It is ecstasy, euphoria,
bliss, elation, rapture -- all words ascribed to the most highly
spiritual experience.
It’s possible that this is
a divine gift that gives us a glimpse into the hereafter. Oneness
with your spouse may be a preview of Oneness with Spirit. So,
rather than sex being base and bestial, its enjoyment a matter
of shame (as some religions teach), sex with love should be viewed
as a most spiritual endeavor, taking us as close to Oneness with
God as it’s possible to get on this planet.
Lovemaking is both the physical
and spiritual expression of your love for one another, and as
such, should be offered as a gift. Learn what your partner needs
and desires. Talk about what feels good, and what doesn’t.
Many people spend a lot of years feeling embarrassed about some
(or all) aspect(s) of sex and/or their bodies. Make every effort
to become comfortable with your own body and your lover’s;
explore your bodies and discuss the emotions associated with them
and with pleasuring and being pleasured.
Marriage is a wonderful opportunity
to move beyond the physical into the spiritual, but you must be
willing to allow it to happen. You must be willing to become the
best lover you can be.
Learn as much about anatomy as you
can. There are several good books on the subject. Learn about
the body’s “erogenous zones,” remembering that
every inch of the body has nerve-endings and reacts positively,
and erotically, to loving, sensitive touch.
Learn as much about the emotional
component of lovemaking as you can. Intense emotions are associated
with the act of love . . . and a wide range of emotions, at that.
Be patient with your partner. (S)He
may not be on the same schedule you are (for any number of reasons).
Your loving patience and acceptance will encourage her (him) far
more than impatience and disapproval.
Realize that your spouse is a unique
individual. What arouses and pleasures her (him) may be different
from any other person on earth. So whatever you know, or think
you know, about making love simply may not apply to your spouse.
It’s up to you to find out about this particular person,
this unique individual you’re married to.
It goes without saying that you
both want exactly the same thing . . . to love and be loved. You
both want to feel the bliss of love. But, remember, men and women
are different. The way for you to feel loved and achieve that
state of ecstasy, is to make sure your spouse feels loved, too.
To get what you want, give your spouse what (s)he wants.
Try putting yourself in your spouse’s
place. I’m going to tell you to break the all-time most
sacrosanct rule, the Golden Rule! “Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you,” does not apply here. If ever
there was a time to break that rule, this is it.
In this case, it’s far more
important to: Do unto your spouse as your spouse would have you
do unto her (him). That’s a very different thing.
While it seems as if The Creator
goofed -- big time -- in making men and women so different, wouldn’t
it be interesting if part of the divine plan is to teach and encourage
us, through our differences, to be more considerate of one another,
more tolerant of one another, more giving and forgiving of one
another?
Wouldn’t it be interesting
if figuring out this whole man/woman thing and making it work
were one of the “tests” we’re given at this
“university” called Earth ?
Wouldn’t it be interesting
if marriage provided our greatest opportunity for growth as human
beings . . . and as spiritual beings.
I believe it does. And isn’t
that what this is all about?
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