The Wedding And Marriage Are Different
While our culture's wedding
traditions are beautiful, romantic, and lots of fun, they can
set couples up for disappointment afterwards. The day-to-day work
of a marriage is many miles away from the flowers and the dress
and the cake. It is important for couples keep this in mind before,
during, and after the wedding, which, at its most basic level,
is the concretizing of transition. It is interesting to note that
although there are many good pre-marital counseling programs out
there, it is often difficult to get engaged couples to attend
them. Couples need to remember that what they are really doing
is preparing for a lifelong marriage. That takes work!!
Quick Tip:
As you are going through the wedding experience, remember the
goal: building a sustainable, satisfying marriage. A good marriage
is the product of luck and work. The fact that marriage takes
work does not mean that something is wrong. People who enjoy the
benefits of a happy marriage are the ones who are willing to put
in time, effort, and work.
Identity
Change - "I Versus We"
It is healthy for couples to begin to think in terms of "we"
rather than in terms of "I." Couples in the first year
of marriage need to ask the question, "who are we as a couple?"
In exploring the question together, couples are creating a story
about their relationship. This story includes how they relate
to each other, how they relate to the outside world, how they
handle conflict, and how they meet their own and the other's needs.
Couples who successfully navigate this identity process create
a story which valorizes or focuses, in a realistic way, on their
strengths as a couple and how they are "in this together."
It is also important to acknowledge
that marriage can feel like a discontinuous transition because
it requires a significant mind shift for both people. That can
be a bit startling for people. For example, it can be difficult
to realize that they cannot just go home if they feel bored or
frustrated, or to realize that they cannot simply make weekend
or evening plans without factoring in another person. Certainly
this does not mean that all your time needs to be spent together,
but it does mean being responsible to someone else in a new and
different way. You are now part of a team!
Quick Tip:
When faced with a conflict or a dilemma, it is helpful for married
people to ask the question, "what does the relationship need?"
The marriage almost becomes an entity unto itself-an entity that
needs to be nurtured, protected, and cared for by both partners.
Develop
And Maintain Boundaries:
With a growing sense of identity in place, couples can then create
a boundary around the relationship. Marriages need a semi-permeable
boundary-a boundary that allows other people to connect with,
love, influence, and be close to the couple while also allowing
the couple to definitively say to the world, "we are a team
here!" This can be especially complicated when it comes to
each spouse's family of origin.
Quick Tip:
Couples need to ask the question, "what do we need to maintain
the integrity of our relationship?" In answering this question,
couples may need to say clearly to their families, "now that
we are married, this is how we are going to navigate the holidays,"
or "now that we are married, it is not OK for you to stop
by unannounced." This can be hard for couples to say and
hard for families to hear, but it is crucial for the good of the
marriage.
Connecting
Across Differences:
Differences inevitably exist in a relationship. Couples need to
accept that, no matter what, they will not be able to do away
with difference. A difference in and of itself is neither a good
thing nor a bad thing. The problem becomes that all too often
we attach labels to our differences: "My way is the right
way, and her way is the wrong way."
Quick Tip:
It is helpful for couples to think about which differences they
can let go of, accept, and live with, and which differences are
worth labeling meaningful, holding on to, and compromising on.
It can also be helpful for
couples to remember that most differences are actually double-edged
swords. If you find yourself bemoaning your spouse's lack of planning,
remember that this is most likely the same spontaneity that you
have often found attractive, endearing, and the perfect complement
to your neuroticism.
Negotiation
And Re-Negotiation:
Even if couples have lived together before marriage, there is
significant re-negotiation that needs to happen after the wedding.
Some areas that commonly need to be negotiated are: time together
and time apart, money, sex, and housework. Post-wedding, couples
can experience a sense that the stakes are higher. A husband or
wife who is washing dishes can suddenly get concerned, "if
I wash the dishes tonight, does this mean that I will be the one
washing dishes for the rest of our lives?!"
Quick Tip:
When negotiating, look for common ground. Figure out together
those aspects of the issue that you see the same. Then the areas
of difference need to be negotiated on (or accepted).
Remember to attack the
problem, not the person.
An acceptable outcome is one
that both people can live with because it feels fair.
If you get stuck, it may be
because there is a deeper issue at work than the issues of whose
job it is to scrub the toilet. It may be that you also need to
address more complicated issues like power, gender dynamics, family
history, and how care and concern get demonstrated in order to
get the negotiation back on track.
Additional
Tips For Newlyweds:
Know yourself. Be mindful of your emotional baggage and
be gentle with your partner's.
Create an environment
in which it feels safe enough to take responsibility for your
feelings and in which each person can talk about how their past
is affecting the present.
Remember that you are on
the same team! All too often fights become framed as a win/lose
situation, and this is destructive. Need to create a non-judgmental
environment in which both partners can keep in mind the goal--
getting back on the same team.
Accept differences.
Try to balance what irritates you about your partner with what
you love about your partner. Remember that, like you, your partner
has strengths and weaknesses.
Keep your expectations
in check. Ask yourself if your expectations are realistic
and check them out with your partner. Unchecked expectations lead
to disappointment, anger, and resentment.
