Love & Sex
By Carol Purroy, M.A., C.H.T.

It’s been said that men need to have sex to feel loved while women need to feel loved to have sex.

Based on my experience, I think this statement is generally true. And it has been the source of a lot of trouble among couples -- misunderstandings, hurt feelings, arguments, the continuation of arguments, etc.

It’s also true that we tend to give the very thing we ourselves want or need, assuming our partners want the same thing. But they may not.

Men and women are different. Really! We might as well be from two different planets, as the popular book title suggests. We’re as opposite as it’s possible to be. So, then, how on earth can a man and a woman expect to get along, much less, live happily ever after? First we must recognize the differences.

If you, a man, believe that your wife, like you, needs to have sex in order to feel loved, you’ll be more than happy to provide that commodity . . . in abundance.

The result, however, since your wife is not like you, may be that she feels misunderstood, used, and most of all, unloved. She may perceive that everything is about sex, and declare, “You don’t care about me. You’re just interested in sex, and I just happen to be available!”

If you, a woman, believe that your husband, like you, needs romance (candlelight, soft music, flowers, moonlight walks, random acts of thoughtfulness, caresses for their own sake, etc.), in order to feel loved, you’ll be happy to provide it. Surprisingly, since he is not like you, the outcome may be that your husband feels teased, misled and confused. He may say, “You act like you want to make love. You get me all aroused, then you act insulted when I take the next step!”

Since his belief is that having sex means you love him, if it is delayed, or if he perceives that your actions were not intended to result in sex, he’ll feel hurt, angry, and most of all, unloved.

In most marriages, immediately after (or even during) a fight, the man wants to make love -- which is the farthest thing from his wife’s mind. It goes something like this:

What’s happening here is merely a demonstration of the opening statement: men need to have sex to feel loved while women need to feel loved to have sex. He wants to get back to feeling that she loves him . . . by having sex. It makes perfect sense to him; it makes no sense to her at all. She needs to already feel that he loves her . . . in order to have sex. Before she’s ready to have sex, she needs for everything to quiet down, for the argument to be resolved, and for feelings and actions to move slowly toward lovemaking. She needs reassurance that he loves her in order to feel secure enough to have sex.

The bottom-line is that love is your primary need. This is equally true of your spouse. The need to love and be loved is your greatest commonality with one another (and with every other person, for that matter). The difference lies in how you go about getting that need met. Once you realize how your secondary needs (sex for men, romance and tenderness for women) may differ from your spouse’s, the solution is simple.

Once you understand that you and your spouse approach feeling loved from opposite directions, it’s easy to figure out how to get there. First and foremost, there must be the recognition that neither of you is wrong . . . just different. And that those differences are probably not arbitrary or willful.

You and your partner have very real needs. You have spiritual needs, i.e., the need for love; and you have physical needs: for food, drink, safe shelter and sex.

Both love and sex are transcendent experiences, transcending the physical, the mundane, transporting one into the realm of the spiritual.

When one loves intensely . . . when one is in love, the feeling is heavenly, divine. When one is in love, it’s easy to imagine how it feels to be in the loving presence of God . . . how it feels to be in Spirit. It’s a feeling of intense aliveness and joy. It’s a feeling of lightheartedness and body-lightness -- of walking on air, flying, soaring. It’s a feeling of being flooded with light; of glowing, of radiance. It’s a feeling of happiness approaching rapture. It’s a feeling of oneness. It’s not uncommon for people in love to “read” each other’s thoughts and feelings, even from thousands of miles away.

And when two people have sex they become one. “Lovemaking” is a common euphemism for having sex, but isn’t that exactly what happens? When two people in love have sex, the above-mentioned feelings describing Love are intensified, i.e., the experience of divine love. Sexual gratification (climax, orgasm) is probably the most intense spiritual experience available to most humans. It is ecstasy, euphoria, bliss, elation, rapture -- all words ascribed to the most highly spiritual experience.

It’s possible that this is a divine gift that gives us a glimpse into the hereafter. Oneness with your spouse may be a preview of Oneness with Spirit. So, rather than sex being base and bestial, its enjoyment a matter of shame (as some religions teach), sex with love should be viewed as a most spiritual endeavor, taking us as close to Oneness with God as it’s possible to get on this planet.

Lovemaking is both the physical and spiritual expression of your love for one another, and as such, should be offered as a gift. Learn what your partner needs and desires. Talk about what feels good, and what doesn’t. Many people spend a lot of years feeling embarrassed about some (or all) aspect(s) of sex and/or their bodies. Make every effort to become comfortable with your own body and your lover’s; explore your bodies and discuss the emotions associated with them and with pleasuring and being pleasured.

Marriage is a wonderful opportunity to move beyond the physical into the spiritual, but you must be willing to allow it to happen. You must be willing to become the best lover you can be.

Learn as much about anatomy as you can. There are several good books on the subject. Learn about the body’s “erogenous zones,” remembering that every inch of the body has nerve-endings and reacts positively, and erotically, to loving, sensitive touch.

Learn as much about the emotional component of lovemaking as you can. Intense emotions are associated with the act of love . . . and a wide range of emotions, at that.

Be patient with your partner. (S)He may not be on the same schedule you are (for any number of reasons). Your loving patience and acceptance will encourage her (him) far more than impatience and disapproval.

Realize that your spouse is a unique individual. What arouses and pleasures her (him) may be different from any other person on earth. So whatever you know, or think you know, about making love simply may not apply to your spouse. It’s up to you to find out about this particular person, this unique individual you’re married to.

It goes without saying that you both want exactly the same thing . . . to love and be loved. You both want to feel the bliss of love. But, remember, men and women are different. The way for you to feel loved and achieve that state of ecstasy, is to make sure your spouse feels loved, too. To get what you want, give your spouse what (s)he wants.

Try putting yourself in your spouse’s place. I’m going to tell you to break the all-time most sacrosanct rule, the Golden Rule! “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” does not apply here. If ever there was a time to break that rule, this is it.

In this case, it’s far more important to: Do unto your spouse as your spouse would have you do unto her (him). That’s a very different thing.

While it seems as if The Creator goofed -- big time -- in making men and women so different, wouldn’t it be interesting if part of the divine plan is to teach and encourage us, through our differences, to be more considerate of one another, more tolerant of one another, more giving and forgiving of one another?

Wouldn’t it be interesting if figuring out this whole man/woman thing and making it work were one of the “tests” we’re given at this “university” called Earth ?

Wouldn’t it be interesting if marriage provided our greatest opportunity for growth as human beings . . . and as spiritual beings.

I believe it does. And isn’t that what this is all about?